‘Pics or It Didn’t Happen’—The Complexities of Dating on Instagram
Many people agree on “pics or it didn’t happen” when it comes to trips to the gym or enviable concert tickets or even Sunday brunch. But how does that mentality translate into romantic relationships? In terms of human connection, if you don’t share the intimate details of your love life with your followers, is that part of your existence fully realized? Are you truly in love if your feelings don’t bleed onto your profile?
I hope that most of you will think, “Please, my social media addiction isn't that serious. I know real life is what really matters.” But in an age where we have carefully curated our Instagram feeds so that they directly reflect who we are, sometimes the lines between digital and actual can begin to blur.
This may not be true for our own content, but we may sometimes be quick to jump to conclusions about others based on their profiles. Think about it: if you’re wondering how an old friend is doing, what do you do? You probably hop onto Instagram and scroll through their photos to get a sense of how they are and what they’re up to. Though most of us are aware that social media is an airbrushed, deceptive highlight reel, I’m sure we all forget the smoke and mirrors involved in social networking from time to time. Don’t agree with me? How many times have you scrolled through an ex’s Instagram profile and had a minute, yet perplexing, emotional response? Enough said.
If many of us feel that social media is an indicator of our personality and state of being, then naturally, we’ll post photos of things that are important to us. And when in a romantic relationship, your loved one can often feel like one of the most important things to you.
But in terms of how Insta users share their love lives with their followers, how much is too much? Moreover, what does this generation’s tendency to lay it all out there say about us?
These questions warrant some self-reflection. Back when I was in my first official relationship at the ripe age of 14, I used to post lovey-dovey photos of me and my boyfriend all the time. His name was in my bio. His face was plastered all over my feed. I even posted photos of us kissing once or twice. My sharing style was what it was for a number of reasons. One, it was my first relationship ever, so the concept of us ever breaking up was lost on me. Two, at that age, it was strange not to post about your relationship. Three, I felt incredibly cool and grown up having a boyfriend, so I felt that the world should know how thrilling my life had become. And four, I didn't have a romantic history whatsoever. There were no complexities or politics when it came to social media.
As life went on and I dated other people and continued to mature, my relationship with Instagram changed. Now that I’m in my 20s and in a committed, long-term relationship, I don’t express my love to my boyfriend via social media because frankly, it’s not my style. I post photos with him for the same reasons I post photos of myself with my friends—I’m with them all the time, and we do fun things together. But I haven’t posted pictures of PDA or written long, heartfelt captions dedicated to my significant other since I was a teenager. I simply prefer to keep my most cherished moments to myself. I think that the little things in life (which in my eyes, are the most important) are made all the more special when only you and whoever else is involved are in on it.
Also, one must consider the ick factor. In the same way that it’s cringey to make out in public in the middle of the day, I find it’s a little weird when people post photos of themselves all up on their partners on social media. Sure, I think people should do whatever makes them happy, but there will always be a part of me that thinks get a room after seeing the fourth or fifth photo of the same couple going at it. But perhaps I’m being too judgy.
Feeling the way that I do about Instagram PDA, I became curious as to how other people feel about the subject. So, I reached out to some friends and family to get a few other opinions.
I first chatted with some people my age to get the lowdown.
I knew that UCF junior Dominique Gras (20), my long-time best friend and the queen of being uncensored, would give me some interesting food for thought. Dominique said, “Anything you wouldn't be comfortable with family seeing on social media is definitely too much. That's my rule of thumb. Intimate videos are definitely over sharing. No one wants to see you making out with your partner on their feed. A peck on the cheek or the lips is about the most PDA I'd accept...It's not the world's business what goes on in your relationship. I think it's nice to post pictures or explicitly state your relationship status, but I draw the line when your account becomes a couple’s page and you're posting almost every day about your partner. I don't think you absolutely need to post about your relationship at all if you don't want to. Some people take offense when their partner won't post them, but I don't think it should matter. They aren't hiding the relationship, they just aren't flaunting it.”
Dartmouth junior Stas Van Genderen (20) has a similar viewpoint. He explained, “I would say I make it known [that I’m in a relationship]. It doesn’t come in the form of a grand post announcing our relationship, but posting pictures together is something I do. I would say [I post it] because it’s usually a good picture, and it’s fun to show everyone that two people are dating/involved with one another. And I’ve never regretted posting about a relationship. But I have deleted pictures of me and an ex. I would say if someone thinks ‘maybe I’m posting too much’, then it’s too much. On top of that, if pictures are being taken for the sole purpose of posting rather than just having memories, then that’s bad too. A relationship should not revolve around Insta posts. [Showing off a relationship on social media] should be done in moderation, and only if you want to post. People should never feel like they have to post a picture with someone just because they’re together. Instagram/social media shouldn’t be a part of a relationship. It should be what it is—just social media.”
I was quickly beginning to realize that many people my age feel the same way.
Miami-based Quantitative Analyst Bryan Alcarazo (20) said, “If I am in a relationship, I try to maintain that between myself and the partner—nothing more. Dedicated, consistent posting about a relationship to me is a bit unnecessary and annoying, especially with all the PDA (kissing etc., etc.). Stories posts don’t bother me since most often it’s a day-in-the-life snippet that typically receives a lot less careful consideration than an actual post. I often have conversations with friends about XYZ couple that often posts about their relationship, and it’s never viewed in a positive light… Excessive [sharing] and it’s whack, fam. Within control, it doesn’t bother me, and good for them.”
Considering the uniformity of answers, I contacted some other IG users from different age groups.
High school junior Kathryn Darling (16) looks at things a little differently. She told me, “If I feel like I’m in a serious relationship, chances are I’m going to want to post about it! As I’ve recently gotten out of a year-long relationship, I have learned some things. For me, the biggest thing I learned was that there’s no such thing as too much. When you become that serious with someone, the boundaries which separate you from that person grow smaller and smaller every day. If you’re happy, why not show it off? It’s the same way we praise self-confidence. Love, for the most part, is a positive thing and should be allowed on social media.”
Freelance Editor Stephanie Dominguez (24) is also unopposed to social media PDA. She explained, “At some point, I kind of think if you don’t want to know about it, or if you don’t wanna see two people making out, then don’t look at it. I feel the same way with all art or social media or literature or whatever—when people just hate on it, it’s like, ‘well you could have stopped watching that movie or reading that book. You’re the one who chose to continue to look at it.’ So, if you get offended by people making out, then don’t follow that person. [PDA on Instagram] doesn’t bother me as much because if someone starts doing that consistently, and say I don’t want to look at it (maybe they’re two people I don’t particularly love), and I’m like ‘No, I don’t really want to see photos of them making out, it’s just not contributing to my life’, then I’ll unfollow or hide them. I guess I get annoyed at people who complain about ‘Oh, I don’t wanna be looking at that.’ Like, okay, so don’t look at it.”
J. Crew Manager Sean Claude Arana (26) from Queens, N.Y. said, “I just post whatever is going on in my life on social media, and if it’s a serious girlfriend, then I would like it to be known. It’s not that it matters that people know, and I wouldn't do in a way where it’s like ‘Here’s my girlfriend, and I’m posting it because look at us’, or whatever. It’s just that I use Instagram for memories, so if I’m going out with someone and it’s a serious thing, then I’ll add it. It’s like a journal to me. And oversharing? For me personally, I would only post our activities, like ‘Oh, we went to Mexico’ or ‘Oh, we went to this place’ or ‘we ate here’, but nothing crazy. Like I would never attack somebody or throw shade at anyone if we’re having a rough time. I wouldn't put that personal stuff out there. And PDA is kind of too much. You don’t have to kiss on the ‘gram. Just smile and take a picture. [When people share too much,] I honestly think it’s an attention thing.”
As Sean insinuated, in this digital age that practically encourages us to be nosey, things can get emotionally messy. In the throes of romance, posting photos with a partner can feel like no big thing. But if you break up, deciding whether to leave up or take down shots of those happy memories can be difficult.
As Stas mentioned, “The first time you see an ex with someone else is usually a jolt to the nerves. This only happens more quickly through social media. It’s very easy for someone’s imagination to run wild after seeing one post, and it can be rattling.” Similarly, Bryan admitted, “My only ex has not [posted photos with someone else], but whenever she does, which will inevitably happen at some point, more than likely, yeah, I will be bothered by it. But this is life. You gotta move on and focus on yourself.”
On top of dealing with your own content post break up, seeing photos of you disappear from your ex’s profile can sting. That’s the thing about social media—things can be deleted just as quickly as they can be posted. Knowing that this is a given, the value we place on social content becomes all the more puzzling.
Like many aspects of social media, navigating the intricacies of sharing your relationship can be tricky. But if it helps, we’ll probably look back on all of this nuance at 40 and laugh at our melodrama.