Maybe One Day
Welcome to our column written by Managing Editor Caitlyn Mae Araña, called Catching Up With Caitlyn. Through letters, she addresses the trials and tribulations that come with learning and growing as a 20-something. Tune in for your weekly dose of drama. Love, work, relationships, health… Nothing is off limits here.
Dear Cameron*,
You were the first person that I ever truly felt love for. Of course there was Matthew* to whom I was very much tethered. But the way I felt for you hurt. It hurt me to like you, and it hurt me to try to stop. Knowing that we could never be together was something that I never wanted to accept.
It was when you first began dating Marissa* that I knew that we would never be together. She dated and broke up with people every other week, and my best friend told me, “They’ll break up in two weeks. She does this all the time.” Long story short, you’re still together to this day, and I’m happy for you. I am.
Though, there’s sometimes still a part of me that wishes that maybe it could’ve been us. I used to refer to Marissa as the devil’s incarnate. Her eyes seemed black and pierced through others with raging jealousy. But when she opened her mouth, she was the sweetest person ever. I was torn between whether I liked her or not. Was I rooting for her in your relationship, or was I jealous that it wasn’t me? After all, you didn’t even really want to date her in the first place.
As I recall, you were in love with Gabrielle*, who was definitely not in love with you, and so you decided to go with your second choice who was also, shocker, in love with you. You may not have felt the same about her, but the attention was enough to get you going. But I never knew why you got into that relationship for sure. Was it really just the attention?
Out of all the conversations that we had over the years, there are few that I think about a lot. The major one is when we were in our Biology class and you were singing to yourself. I remember turning to you and asking, “Do you sing?”
“Kind of. I think I’m good, but I don’t sing in front of people. Maybe one day I’ll sing for you,” you explained.
I remember being shocked at the statement and the trust it contained. You didn’t sing in front of people, but you thought of doing it for me. Maybe one day. What is it with men and their maybe one day empty promises? It is to avoid confrontation and rejection? Is it to spare me the heartache? I mean, isn’t it just a lie?
The second conversation that I remember having with you was over text. Somehow relationships came up, and you asked me about having a boyfriend. I told you all about how mine wasn’t controlling at all and then asked you about yours, even though I really didn’t want to know.
“Marissa doesn’t let me talk to other girls,” you said.
It’s something that I think about a lot because I get confused about why you stayed with her. Why are you still with her? We don’t talk anymore, but I’ve heard a lot through the grapevine about what has been going on with you guys. I’ve heard about threats that she’s made to you and your family. I’ve heard about how toxic that relationship is.
From someone that was in a toxic relationship, although definitely not as toxic as yours, I felt for you. I still feel for you. Even though I don’t love you anymore, and even though we don’t talk, I still want the best for you. I want someone for you that is secure and that trusts you because you deserve it. Maybe one day never happened for us because it rarely ever happens for anyone. But I do hope you have your own maybe one day with someone that is worth it.
Only Love,
Caitlyn Mae
*Names have been changed to maintain integrity