Ghosts of a Lover's Past — The Lexington Line

After giving up on relationships for a while, you just met a great person who seems like they could be “the one.” Just when you thought you were ready to give up on love, you found someone who is nice, kind, and genuinely seems to care about your wellbeing. You think to yourself, “after all this bad luck, I’ve found a good one.” Well, don’t trust a person based on a few good weeks, or even a few good months. Your instincts may be right, but you may also end up getting ghosted.

So, what is ghosting? By Urban Dictionary’s definition, it is “When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice beforehand. You'll mostly see them avoiding friend's phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public.”

The reason ghosting hurts so much is the lack of closure. If you just keep rereading your texts, trying to understand where you went wrong, you’re probably not the reason. Maybe he was overwhelmed by a relationship. Maybe he found a new girl. Or maybe he’s just a jerk.

Now, are there valid reasons for ghosting? I guess if someone couldn’t take a hint, there could be. But a disappearance is the worst type of ending.

To help you consider this question, here are five true ghosting stories.

Jordan & Jordyn

A friend of mine named Jordyn was talking to a guy named Jordan. They had an open relationship for a few months and hung out multiple times a week. Right away, the “overwhelmed by a serious relationship” excuse for jumping ship is thrown out the window because it was as casual as it could be.

After a few months, Jordyn had to go on a work trip, and Jordan asked to tag along. It didn’t go as well as she had hoped, but it wasn’t a completely dreadful experience. After that, he was gone.

Luckily, my friend Jordyn knows that the disappearance of a guy is a reflection of him and not of herself. But a month later, she reached out to find out what happened. His excuse? “It was cold outside.”

Now, I’m not going to act like seasonal depression isn’t a real thing. But come on, you couldn’t give her a simple heads up? No word of goodbye? The hardest part is that at the beginning of their relationship, they agreed that if either one of them was no longer interested, they’d let the other know. In my opinion, I’d much rather be “broken up with” than disappeared on.

Cassie & Devin

Cassie met Devin through Hinge—another online dating app. She ended up giving him her number, so they started texting. They also connected through various social media platforms like Instagram and Snapchat. He seemed very interested in her, and never did a day go by where he wouldn’t compliment her. Cassie really liked Devin.

One day, Cassie posted an Instagram story mentioning that she was gay in reference to her bisexuality. She didn’t think much of the story at first, but she eventually started to worry about it. She wondered if it made him think that she wasn’t actually interested in him, and the more she worried about it, the less she spoke to Devin.

Cassie decided to send Devin a really long message explaining the whole situation to clear the air. Devin told her that he thought she no longer wanted to talk to him, but she explained it was just the opposite. She also mentioned that when he complimented her, she didn’t always know how to react to it. She’d respond with, “Oh no way” or “Yeah I hate myself,” in a joking manner. She never intended to fish for compliments, and she doesn’t actually hate herself, but she wasn't the best at responding to that sort of affection. He was completely understanding.

So, they began to talk again. But it didn’t last long. He ended things with leaving her on read and by unfollowing her on Instagram. She never tried to reach out to him to question it, and that was the end of Cassie and Devin.

Summer, Nate & Franco

Summer has been a ghoster and a ghostee. Her first run-in with ghosting was when her boyfriend, Nate, disappeared on her. At first, she didn’t question the silence, but once two weeks had passed, she really started to worry, so she asked him about it. When she finally confronted Nate, he admitted that he’d been avoiding a formal break up. (Personally, I think that is one of the worst reasons to ghost someone, especially if you’re in an exclusive relationship.)

They ended up staying friends… until they started hooking up again. Of course, he ghosted her a second time after that because he wanted to be with another girl. The moral of the story is this: once a ghoster, always a ghoster.

Later, Summer started to date Franco. In a Nate-style fashion, she lost feelings for Franco after a while, but she wasn’t quite sure how to break it to him. After three weeks went by, she saw Franco at a party, and neither of them acted like anything was wrong. After the party, however, they didn’t talk again for a week.

It sounded to me like Franco wasn’t making an effort either, or maybe he was just too afraid to speak up. But after that week went by, Summer asked her friend how she should go about breaking up with him over text. At least he got some closure in the end.

Simon & Noah

Noah met Simon on Hinge at the beginning of January, and they quickly started dating. After about a month, Simon abruptly called it quits and said he was “too busy for a relationship.”

When the pandemic rolled around, social distancing ironically brought them back together. Noah gave Simon another chance, and this time, it actually lasted for a few months. But then, once again, Simon started making excuses like “we’re moving too fast” and “I’m too busy for this.” He asked Noah if they could be friends and give their relationship a chance to develop organically. After being broken up with a second time, Noah was ready to move on. So, he decided to ghost him.

Kylie & Matt

Kylie met Matt through Tinder. It was her first time meeting anyone through an online dating app, and while she felt it might be risky to meet up with someone from the internet, she and Matt had a mutual friend. So, she gave it a chance. They quickly hit it off once they met in person, but after they hung out a few times, he went MIA. She tried asking him once point-blank if he was ghosting her, but he never responded. I suppose that was an answer in and of itself.

Thankfully, this was a blessing in disguise. After Matt disappeared, she met a man named Jeff, who she never would’ve gotten to know if Matt was still around. Maybe the “everything happens for a reason” factor means that ghosting can be a good thing.

All of these stories do make you wonder: is ghosting sometimes for the best?

While we’re on the subject, I have a story of my own to contribute as I was just ghosted by a (seemingly) super nice guy. I am normally drawn to those who are damaged and egotistical, but he wasn’t one of those types at all. Chad was a little shy, but very friendly. If I called to tell him about my day, it seemed like every word I said was intriguing to him. I never felt like I had to try hard to gain his attention. As time went on, our conversations seemed to grow shorter. One day, he simply stopped responding. I didn’t hear from him for two days in a row, but he broke his silence by apologizing for being childishly dodgy.

We tried talking again, but the same thing happened. Our conversations were short and dry, and then he disappeared again. Only this time, it wasn’t for two days. I never heard from him again.

It makes me incredibly mad to think that he will likely never speak to me again because after the first two-day period, he promised to not let me down again. So much for that.

I do feel better knowing that I’m not alone in this. It’s not my fault Chad couldn’t tell me what went wrong or that he chose to just disappear. All I can do is move forward. And who knows? Maybe this will end up being a blessing in disguise for me, too.