Keep In Touch
Welcome to our column written by Managing Editor Caitlyn Araña, called Catching Up With Caitlyn. Through letters, she addresses the trials and tribulations that come with learning and growing as a 20-something. Tune in for your weekly dose of drama. Love, work, relationships, health… Nothing is off limits here.
Dear Ben*,
“Keep in touch.” Our high school yearbooks were filled with those three words. An empty promise that somehow you’d still keep in contact with friends the same way you did when you were in that one math class together. Never did I think that that empty promise would apply to us.
Two weeks ago, I wrote a letter to your ex-girlfriend who you were dating at the same time that we were “talking.” So, I figured that I’d write one to you. I’ve never had anything bad to say about you, but we enter in and out of each other’s lives so frequently that I feel like I had some things to say to you.
I want to start off by thanking you. I want to thank you for knowing me. I want to thank you for understanding the way I thought and the way that I spoke and the way that I felt. Maybe that’s just a scorpio reading a scorpio. But nonetheless, it was sweet. Most of all, though, I want to thank you for making me feel wanted. For the longest time, I don’t think I ever felt that. I think that yes, people maybe wanted to be my friend or wanted to be with me, whatever that means, but no one wanted me. I’m talking about wanting my doubt, my conspiracy theories, my insecurities, my obsession with astrology, my need to write down everything I’ve ever felt, and my need to be seen. I’m talking about wanting the parts of me that I don’t even want. And okay, yes, this sounds super cliché. But have you ever felt so completely in love with yourself because of the way that someone loved you? Let me tell you, that feeling is unmatched.
In a way, I think I felt that I had to save you. I have this crazy idea that maybe I could really change someone… save someone. At the time that we started talking, you had ambitions. You had goals. I would’ve never thought about liking you if you hadn’t. But you were also tainted. You were tainted by the tempting aspects of life that came with being just a normal teenager. But your temptations were darker than others, and mine were a lot brighter than those of a normal teen. So I felt that I could save you. I felt that if I could just show you a fraction of the love that you showed me that I could possibly steer you in a different direction.
What can I say? I’m a romantic.
Nonetheless, it was only a temporary fix. You’re arguably one of the smartest people I know. You knew what you wanted, but you didn’t think you deserved it. You had dark thoughts that I’m scared I only amplified. Eventually, though, I had to realize that you were never mine to fix. You were never mine at all. You were my best friend. You were someone I cared about. But you weren’t mine to change.
We went from the I can’t wait to see you’s and the I love you more’s to Hi I suck at texting and Been kind of pushing everyone away. How does that happen? How do you turn it off? I’m not saying you, specifically. But just how is it possible that you can feel so much for someone and then just not speak to them?
I admit that I miss you sometimes. I do sit and think about the people we used to be. I think about the people we could’ve been. And I do wonder about how that would’ve looked and what we could’ve become. And a lot of the time I draft texts to you, telling you how I miss you and typing things that I could really only admit under influences. But I rarely ever do send them.
Maybe it’s the fear of rejection that you know I have. Maybe it’s that you never responded to me when I wished you a happy birthday. Maybe we just don’t really know each other anymore. Which is fine, you know. People change. We grow. It’s just hard not to feel nostalgic when the past was so good. But now it hurts too much. “Keep in touch” hurts too much.
Only Love,
Caitlyn Mae
*Names have been changed to maintain integrity