Through Sickness and in Health, Till Sex Does Us Part
Being married comes with its challenges and complications. Some challenges are raising children, money, midlife age crisis, family deaths, careers, and more. These life problems tend to affect married couples and their sex life. Sex after marriage changes for many married couples. It changed for Samyra, Kelvin, and Veronica. I debunked sex after marriage, the struggles, and turbulence through insightful one on one interviews with Samyra, Kelvin, and Veronica.
“I’ll love you forever. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, your mine for life, I’m yours for eternity.” Marriage vows said by Samyra, the love she holds for her spouse is inevitable. The connection is impeccable. This must mean their sex life after being married is undeniably great and has not changed. But is it?
What even is sex? As the dictionary definition goes, sex is sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse. To many people, sex is more emotional than physical. The emotions and feelings a person contains for another are then expressed vividly through sex. But, the emotions and feelings are not always there, especially after marriage. Take Samyra as an example, she has been married for seven years. The first few years of her marriage were “a great dream”, as she described it. Great dreams are temporary I assume because her great dream then became a nightmare. It was not easy adapting to this nightmare because she got comfortable and accommodated to her great dream.
Her partner, Nalini, developed severe anxiety. Nalini has been prescribed a dosage of Prozac capsules. This led to a spiral of mood swings and no sex drive. Nalini and Samyra have not had sex for about 4 years. This took a toll on their marriage. They also had a child. The maintenance and work of raising a child was a bigger toll on their sex life and marriage. As I interviewed Samyra, I wanted to know when she realized she was not having consistent sex anymore. Samyra informed me she did not notice up until she felt lonely and disconnected from Nalini. She stated, “Sex brought us together, it was an intimate moment for the both of us. When we stopped having that intimate moment, we stopped connecting.” I went to ask if her anxiety leading to the no sex drive, was the only blockade stopping them from having sex. She responded, “No, having a child as well. We had no time. It was all about our child. Trini [Nalini] worked and attended school. We have no time.”
These are challenges Samyra had to face, including no intimacy with her partner. But, what made it a challenge for Samyra was the vows she proposed and promised to keep for Nalini and for the sake of their marriage. “...in sickness and in health.” She wasn’t able to follow through with these vows, because she began to doubt and want more than what Nalini could give her. Being married limited Samyras sex life in general. Due to her limitation on meeting others, it would be infidelity. I wondered what solutions Samyra would consider and if Nalini would agree. Samyra initiated that she wanted an open relationship because once you get married it gets complicated. Doesn’t this defect the rules of marriage? Unfortunately, sex becomes more complex once you become married. You start to create what works best for your marriage, even if it means bending the rules. Can one promise to stick to their vows and disregard the complications with sex?
Kelvin can. He has been married for two years now, and Kelvin made it very clear he does not need sex. But it is great to have sex with the person who he loves. What if the person you love does not want to have sex with you? This becomes more challenging to deal with. One can easily assume; if you are not having sex with me, you are having sex with someone else. These were some of the thoughts running through Kelvin's mind, as his partner denied him intimacy. Kelvin was getting older and he then started making serious decisions such as; not wanting kids and deciding to work on his career and goals. His wife, Taylor, disagreed with his priorities. According to Kelvin, she stated, “We are married now and you do not want to have kids, why have sex then?”
This is a crucial situation for all newlyweds. Stereotypically, you get married, have a honeymoon, and have children. But, it’s your marriage, as Big from Sex and the City stated, “We have the luxury of designing our own life.” Kelvin had a mutual mindset. When I asked Kelvin, “What are the challenges you believe you’ll face if you do not have children?” He replied, “One, my last name will not continue and it may get lonely.” He also stated, “It’s like once I got married I had pressure on me to have children because she [Taylor] won’t be able to forever. Then, Taylor only wants to have sex to have children. But, sex isn’t just about children.”
As I saw all the pressure he was holding within to maintain his marriage afloat, I asked him “Have you considered leaving and being with someone else?” He has. He figured when he was not legally committed to someone, he was able to have sex freely and without commitment. Sex definitely became complex for Kelvin after marriage because of his partner’s morals and mindset. According to Relate.org, one thing you can do to work out your marriage issues is not to force things and find the common ground. It is easier said than done. Sex is an action, a doing. This action comes from a place of pleasure, love, and empathy. If one starts to feel lost and can not find the place of pleasure, love, and empathy. This complicates sex once you are married.
It is interesting to have visualized how much the world has changed and opened up to new ways of life. Kelvin and Samyra were two candidates who opened up to different views and ways of life. Samyra wanted an open relationship because her partner was not able to have sex with her and Kelvin was not following the ordinary marriage rules.
Veronica did not agree with a new way of marriage. Veronica wanted a simple marriage, nothing complex. She was caught by surprise when she started experiencing financial issues. Her husband, Junior, had to start working double shifts, and eventually, he got a second job. Veronica was a stay-at-home mom. She cooked and cleaned, she took care of the home. These everyday struggles tired out Junior and Veronica. They were too tired to go out on dates, watch a movie, and eat dinner together.
I questioned Veronica, I asked her, “Do your priorities take over your happiness?” Veronica instantly replied, “Well, yes. If I don’t put my priorities first I’ll have a messy household and nothing will be taken care of.” As the conversation continued, I implied “Are you being taken care of?” This was definitely a challenging question for Veronica to answer. In many scenarios, being taken care of involves being pampered. The usual; taken out to dinner, spoiled, and loved. Veronica actually was not receiving any of this. Not even intimate relations such as sex. Not having the time to have sexual relations, is not terrible. As Veronica described her situation. “It can be frustrating and it can cause issues because all we do is work, work, and work. Then, when we have sex we can not do it for too long because we will wake the kids up and we have to attend work in the morning. It is a lot when you’re married” said Veronica. The bills need to be paid, the kids need food and shelter. This is why all the hard and consistent work is understandable.
But, it is important to find solutions. As many may know marriage has many complications due to the forced commitment and responsibility, this all leads to a failing sexual tension between the married couples. Before I even went further with my questioning, I wanted to know what line of work Junior is a part of. Veronica said he is an office manager. According to Monster.com, the divorce rate for office managing and administrative support is 40.6 percent due to lack of sex and excitement. These challenges Veronica is facing as Samyra and Kelvin, are affecting their everyday lives. Sex after marriage changes. It becomes complex and not easy to explain.
As difficult as it is to discuss troubles in your marriage, Samyra, Kelvin, and Veronica lightly dabbed on their real-life issues. Yes, sex changes after marriage, it’s difficult, and most likely won’t feel the same. Not only because of the issues but because of the couple’s age.
People make these promises to love someone for the rest of their life, till death does them apart. But how come sex is a deal-breaker?
Samyra replied “To me, sex is something that keeps you and your partner connected. If you’re not able to have sex because of all your problems, sometimes it’s best to take a break.” On the other hand, Kelvin said “Like I said I do not need sexual activity, but it is great to do it with the person I love. Things just get complex once you are older and married, priorities come before sex and personal time.” Veronica is in between Samyra’s and Kelvin's points of view. She informed me, “It gets really frustrating because I sometimes just want to feel the pleasure of sex for at least five minutes, but I have to watch the baby monitor as I’m trying to enjoy my five minutes. But, the baby comes first.” Everyone has a different lifestyle and situation. They all seem to agree on one thing, once you are married sex changes and it becomes complicated. Does this mean you need to end the relationship between you and your spouse?
When you talk to people who are married about sex, some may say they can manage to find time between their busy schedules. Others say they have no time because they have too much to do.
One thing all couples need to engage in is focusing on is finding Oxytocin. Oxytocin is considered the bonding hormone. This hormone is often released through sex or after climax. There is some preparation one may need to take before attempting to find this hormone. For example, my candidates for my interview Samyra, Kelvin, and Veronica each prepared themselves for a night of immaculate and sensational sex and love. Because sex is a gift to married couples. It should be mutually satisfying and can unite a husband and wife emotionally and spiritually, not just physically. Couples who have sex regularly are happier, and lack of sex can cause problems for the relationship. But sometimes one spouse simply cannot participate in intercourse. While it may seem like you’re missing out, the good news is that there’s much more to sex than just intercourse. Since it is more than intercourse they each cooked up a nice meal, had the children asleep early, made the bed, had a romantic evening. These tactics worked for my interview candidates, despite their complications, they found a common ground between their spouse and them. But does this mean they have to set up a huge romantic evening to have sex consistently, this is where the issue stands.
Sex after marriage can be complicated. Life happens, as they say. Children, money issues, work, and family all are factors in failing sex life. Sex does not define a relationship, it just plays a role in it. it is a vivid experience to express yourself to someone you love. When you’re married, you make these vows and promises to your spouse, but can you still keep them even though your sex life is not where you want it to be?