Devil in Disguise
*Article from Lexington Line’s Spring Summer 2021 Issue
Check out the full issue here.
Trigger Warning: This article contains stories of emotional abuse.
It’s 1:30 in the morning, and I can’t put my mind to rest. Could I have done more? Was I not enough to save him? If he loved me, why did he pull me under with him?
I once heard somewhere that we accept the love we think we deserve. It is so easy to become blind to someone’s flaws when they consume your every thought. It is a blessing and a curse to love.
It is difficult to identify when you are in an emotionally abusive relationship when there are no physical signs, no bruises, or cuts. But the psychological aspect deserves special attention, according to the National Center for Biotechnology Information, “because victims who lose their independence, self-esteem, and dignity tend to remain in abusive situations.”
It took me a while to realize it. When you care about someone, it’s natural to want to be there for them in every way possible. When I met him, he was kind, protective, and funny. But what made me want to save him was the light within him that had been dimmed. He had his fair share of demons that would come out to play. I took on those demons until they got the best of him, and when they did, it was somehow my fault.
“Abusive people [often] believe they have the right to control and restrict their partners' lives,” according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, “because they believe their own feelings and needs should be the priority in the relationship.”
It started small. I would offer an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. One time we were at a party with all of our friends. I asked him to put down his vodka. The alcohol seemed to dissolve his pain every time the bottle hit his lips, but it made him unbearable. He spit his food on me and called me degrading names. I felt like it was my fault.
“The feelings of helplessness and worthlessness that emotional abuse causes in a victim often leaves victims feeling that they deserve any abuse that occurs,” according to the online counseling service Better Help.
Eventually, I became numb. It escalated to the point where I forgot about my own mental health needs. He didn’t care either.
“It must be me,” I thought. “What did I do?”
It would take me many more months to realize that I was being emotionally abused. Of course, every fight or lie would upset me, but I did not understand the full scope of what was happening to my mental health.
One last fight was all it took to wake me up. I was being dehumanized. I missed Emily, the bubbly girl who was obsessed with life. I didn’t see that girl when I looked in the mirror. I knew it was finally time to let go.
Looking him in the eyes, knowing I loved him with every single bone in my body, and telling him that I couldn’t put myself through this anymore had to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I had tear stains on my cheeks for weeks.
Eating became a challenge for me. I wanted to eat, but I couldn’t stomach anything. I was making myself sick. I couldn’t sleep because I was haunted by my thoughts: “Was this the right thing to do? When will I begin to feel better? I just want to feel something again.”
The weeks melted into months, and I was still stuck in this state of nothingness. Sure, I would go out with my friends and family. But those great moments were just that, moments. No matter how hard everyone around me tried to mend me, I was still broken, and it broke me even more that I couldn’t fix myself for them.
“[Emotional abuse] survivors are often plagued by low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and feelings of helplessness,” according to Bridges to Recovery, a residential mental health clinic in Los Angeles. “Many experience deep shame, guilt, and self-loathing, in part because these are feelings the abuser has deliberately cultivated in you.”
Long-term effects of emotional abuse can also include insomnia, chronic pain, social withdrawal, guilt, and eventual feelings that the abuse was “right” about the victim all along, according to Medical News Today. It can make it hard for you to trust others in the future, and in some cases, even lead to chronic conditions like fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome.
Beneath all the pain, though, I eventually discovered there was still a fighter within me. I’d been willing to fight his demons for so long, why couldn’t I fight my own? I decided it time to grapple with the pain, and I continue to every day.
It is much easier said than done. Every single day is a constant battle to just simply get up and start my day. Keeping my mind busy became a daily routine for me. I go for long drives, blast music, talk to friends or lose myself in the pages of a novel. Anything to keep me distracted.
An amazing opportunity to move to New York City for the spring semester came my way, and I knew it was what I needed. My friends, family, and everyone who saw me at my worst knew it was time I tear down the walls I built for myself ever since he broke me.
Besides, New York City has always been my dream and not even all the pain I was in could change that. This city could mend my broken heart. I find it hard to trust anyone these days, even myself. But I had to trust myself on this one.
This journey has taught me that it is okay not to be okay. I am not fully healed, and that’s alright. It is good to have compassion and what to rescue others, but you shouldn’t have to lose yourself in order to do so.
But it is also crucial that you learn to identify the warning signs of emotional abuse. If your partner shows chronic jealousy, demeans you (especially in public), prevents you from making decisions about your own life, applies pressure and intimidation, or seems to be trying to isolate you, you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship–but there are many more signs, and a full list can be found at the website for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
If you have gone through an emotionally abusive relationship, just know that you’re not alone and you never will be.
If you or someone close to you is in need of support, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline
1.800.799. SAFE (7233).
Signs That You Might Be in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Telling you that you never do anything right.
Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them.
Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with friends, family members, or peers.
Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people.
Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school
Controlling finances in the household without discussion, including taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses.
Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with.
Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.
Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions.
Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets.
Intimidating you with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace.
Destroying your belongings or your home.