Baby, You're Disposable
Welcome to our column written by Managing Editor Caitlyn Araña, called Catching Up With Caitlyn. Through letters, she addresses the trials and tribulations that come with learning and growing as a 20-something. Tune in for your weekly dose of drama. Love, work, relationships, health… Nothing is off limits here.
Dear Sebastian*,
Picking sides was never my thing. Although, when put in the situation, I almost always know which side I’m going to take. At least I did this time.
My best friend, Alyssa, never liked you. You knew this even though sometimes you swore she did because your ego could cover half the country. Anyways, she never liked you. And I really should pay more attention to who she doesn’t like because she’s always right. Around the time you and me starting talking, I was also talking to two other guys. I was really living. Then when you asked me to be your girlfriend, I had to consult with her because I had no clue what to do. Eventually, I chose you. Do you get that? I. Chose. You. It was never the other way around no matter how much you wanted it to be. I let you love me.
I remember how it felt losing my feelings for you. It was like I could suddenly breathe. It was like you had been holding me hostage for years. Then again, I never left, so maybe that was on me. Maybe I just liked the feeling of someone wanting me.
Don’t think that my feelings for you weren’t real though. They were real. I did really like you. Though, even when I told you I loved you, I don’t think I did. I just felt something more than “like.” And for young teenage me, that had to have meant love. It didn’t. But I cared about you. I cared about what happened to you and if you were safe and loved. I mean, I’m not the devil.
So imagine my shock when you and Alyssa got into an argument. Well, it wasn’t so much that you two got into an argument. It was more that she was calm and you were pretending to be calm in the most childish and passive-aggressive way. Let me just say: I was not a fan. You spoke to her as if she was incompetent and somehow was lesser than you when the whole time it was you who was incompetent.
How did you not think that she would tell me?
How did you think that she wouldn’t send me screenshots?
And when I confronted you about it, how did you think that I was going to side with you? It’s been years since this happened, and to this day, I am still shocked by the fact that you thought you meant as much to me as she did.
You asked her, “Since when did you have a say?”
“Since she was choosing between you and like, three other guys,” she replied. Power Move.
In that moment, even though I had already lost my feelings for you, I had also lost my respect for you. Because, how dare you. How dare you think that you ever mattered to me more than someone that I spent years of my life loving and getting to know? I made the choice to have you in my life, and you disrespected the person that helped me make that choice in the first place. Therefore, you disrespected me. Insane. Mind Boggling. Completely Absurd. How could I stay with you after that? You made the decision so easy.
I never disrespected you. I cared about you. Did I judge you about your lowkey odd fetishes? No. Did I care that you thought you were always the smartest person in the room when you, in fact, were never actually? Not really. But then you decided to ignore all of that and then disrespect me and my best friend. Three Words: Rude. As. Hell.
“You should text me if you wish to rebuild this relationship in proper momentum 👌” is another thing you said to her. That stupid emoji always got me. But no, she didn’t want to rebuild the relationship and neither did I.
A year later, you popped up in my Twitter mentions. You had tweeted your friend that my birthday was coming up in 10 days. I was confused because we hadn’t talked to each other in a year. I didn’t respond. I was just confused. Your friend was also not amused since he replied with a simple, “…”
So for you, and any other guy who thinks they somehow rank higher on my list of priorities than my best friend, please take a step back. Humble yourself, because chances are she probably is the only reason why you’re in my life.
Only Love,
Caitlyn Mae
*Names have been changed to maintain integrity.